


To lose and Regain

by Yhcaep



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, DRK family - Freeform, Dark Knight Questline (Final Fantasy XIV) Spoilers, Dark Knight | DRK (Final Fantasy XIV), Female Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), Heavensturn (Final Fantasy XIV), Hints of Sid/Fray, Multi, Patch 5.0: Shadowbringers Spoilers, This is also sadder than I intended whoops, This was supposed to be finished for New Years sorry, ffxiv - Freeform, final fantasy 14
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:55:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22875103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yhcaep/pseuds/Yhcaep
Summary: Heavy weighs the burden of being the savior of the world.orThe gang goes to Limsa for Heavensturn.Drabble. Spoilers for 5.0 (Shadowbringers) and DRK job quest (lvl 70)
Relationships: Fray Myste/Sidurgu Orl, Sidurgu Orl/Warrior of Light
Kudos: 9





	To lose and Regain

**Author's Note:**

> I started this before New Years, but work hit me like a truck and I have been busy and/or unmotivated to finish. But it's here.  
> There are hints at Sidurgu/Fray  
> Mostly WoL/Sid
> 
> Also sad-ish. I can only write sad and smut. RIP  
> Enjoy I guess

The streets and walkways of Limsa Lominsa were crowded, even by usual standards, as Eorzeans and travelers alike pushed past each other in the winding walkways that lined the city. Many were dressed in festive attire, signaling the celebration at hand as people across Eorzea ushered in the new year. Though Heavensturn had always been a widely celebrated holiday, the event had grown in popularity following the Calamity and the misfortune it had brought to the region and its people. Once hailed as a tradition to bring forth good tidings and honor the Twelve, it had become a festival celebrating the perseverance of the will of the people, a chance to move forward and look to brighter horizons. In usual Limsa fashion, the city had taken pride in it’s spectacular jubilee, leading to it becoming one of the most populated cities during the annual event. 

The sun had already began to set, the deep hues scattering across the surface of the water and across the buildings. In the midst of the brightly colored clothes and vendor stalls, Aunyx, Rielle and Sidurgu trailed along the outskirts of the crowd, adorned in dark and tattered armor. Sidurgu’s chainmail rattled loudly with every step, as people hastily moved out of the imposing Au ra’s path. 

At Rielle’s request, the three had ventured to Limsa Lominsa to celebrate Heavensturn, the first celebration since Aunyx had returned to the Source. Still weary from her travels through the aetheric channels that tied the two worlds together, Aunyx had agreed to the young elezen’s proposal. Sidurgu had merely sighed and complied, knowing that this was not a battle worth fighting. However much he detested traveling, crowds and boisterous gatherings, he knew it would only be for a few days. A few days too long, he would mutter under his breath whenever the shrill sounds of fireworks or rowdy drunks rang in his horns. 

Though Rielle had wandered off to pursue the stalls, Aunyx and Sidurgu had elected instead to retreat to a shadier spot beside alleyway’s arches, neither having any interest in browsing the wares. The two, who usually found comfort in the silence that brewed between them, were quieter than usual. No snarky snippets from Sidurgu, no cunning replies from the Warrior of Light. A sign that Aunyx had something on her mind that she would rather keep to herself. It was a trait that Sidurgu had picked up on during their time together, though Aunyx would never admit it.

In truth, he himself was still trying to wrap his mind around the events that had transpired in Aunyx’s exodus to another star. He had experienced his own share of less than believable events sure...but even this was beyond him. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe her- she had no reason to lie about such a traumatizing event with such vibrancy in the details. Aunyx had been forthcoming with her status and all it entailed as a Warrior of Light since the ending of the Dragonsong War, passing along information as she visited Coerthas sporadically through her travels in the east and the time following the Ghimlyt Dark. Outside of that, she was not one to talk about herself, her past, any of that with save but a few individuals outside of the Scion’s circle.

In that regard, it had to be true. The sundering of the original star. The desolation of the amaurotines. The Flood, Hydaleyn and Zodiark...it was all too much to recall as he grasped to remember all of the events that she had recalled to him. And even then, she still made trips back and forth between the worlds, as the rest of the scion’s souls remained trapped on the far away star. The time between the world’s also still perplexed Sidurgu- she could be away for mere hours on the Source while spending weeks inside the First. It was entirely too confusing, though it explained her fatigue when she returned from the many trips she took. 

It had been the first time she had mustered the energy to travel outside her current routine of world hopping and resting- usually she would return to Ishgard, tired and disheveled, and fall face first into the bed without even removing her armor. Sidurgu had spent many evenings removing the layers of battered armor and worn gear from her tired body, Aunyx unable to find the energy to do so herself. At first it had angered Sidurgu- though her colleagues had said there were no repercussions to world hopping so frequently, he could see the effects it was having on her. Even now, leaning against the cobblestone wall of the marketplace, he could tell her energy was just about spent.

“You can head back to the inn if you want.” His voice was barely audible as the crowded marketplace bustled with people and conversations. “I can wait until Rielle is done and keep an eye on her for the rest of the night.”

Aunyx glanced at Sidurgu, her irises expanded wide with the low light of the alleyway. It was a tempting offer, she had to admit, but the normalcy and familiarity of Limsa was too much for her to retreat from- for the first time in ages, she felt a sense of calm around her. This was how things were supposed to be. 

“I’d rather soak in the sights before having to go back to the First...It’s calming, in a sense.” Aunyx replied, flicking her furred ear as she tuned out the buzzing voices around them. “To be home I mean. It feels like it’s been years; I guess it has been to me, at least.”

“You got back only a day before last, they can’t expect you to already head back?” 

“There’s been new developments in the theory on how to get the scions back to their physical forms.” Aunyx’s voice was hushed, though the likelihood of someone eavesdropping on their conversation was low.

“You can’t be serious,” he frustratingly huffed, rolling his eyes at the miqo’te. He adjusted his body as he crossed his arms against his chest, blue limbal rings disappearing as he closed his eyes. “Is that even enough time for your body to rest before it’s ripped apart traveling through the aetheric current? Honestly, they need to let you rest for more than a couple of weeks before asking you to go back.”

Aunyx’s calm demeanor shifted into a scowl. She hadn’t wanted to bring it up during their trip to Limsa, knowing that Sidurgu would be displeased with the news that she was already heading back so soon. Sidurgu was right, though; the time in between expeditions back to the first had dwindled. When she had time to fully rest, the trips had been easy. Now, with minimal sleep, the trips were taking a toll on her body, and mind, as she adjusted back and forth between the realms.

“I don’t want to talk about it now, let’s let Rielle enjoy the festival. The last thing I want to do is to have traveled this far without letting her enjoy herself.”

“Hm.” Sidurgu shifted uncomfortably. The volume of the crowd had increased and left an annoying ring in his sensitive horns. Why couldn’t Rielle have picked a less populated city to spend the busiest holiday in…

“Fury, all these damn people.” He cursed, a hand lifted to his horns as he rubbed them to lessen the aching pain developing.

Aunyx took note of his discomfort, moving closer as her own armor gently clanged against the armor slung around his waist. “Do you want to move somewhere less…”

“Loud, annoying and entirely too damn boisterous? Yeah, I would.” His words came out more aggressively than he intended. “But Rielle is still shopping-”

“I doubt she’d notice if we went missing for a bit.” She lowered her voice, trying to not worsen the audible noise around them. “She’s got her staff, she’ll be fine. It’s not like anyone would even think of causing a scene on one of the busiest nights, surrounded by some of the best warriors in Eorzea. Let’s move to the upper docks, there’s something i’d like to show you, anyways.” 

Sidurgu followed in step behind the miqo’te, weaving in and out of the crowd as they moved to the aethernet at the end of Hawker’s Alley. The Teleportation led them to the upper decks, past the Aftcastle and the stairs, and into a small mezzanine, away from the mob that was gathering closer to the center of the city. It was much quieter, the low humming of distant people now drowned out by the sound of the gulls gliding over the harbor to the seaside winds. 

Aunyx draped her folded arms over the stone railing, her short wine colored hair and the fabric of her skallic coat gently moving with the wind. Sidurgu leaned next to her, his armor clanking as he rested one elbow on the stone to prop his face up. 

“Better?” Aunyx mused, her eyes shifting to the xaela. He only nodded, soaking in the quiet that had been absent for most of the day.

“It’s a nice view, isn’t it?” She continued, knowing that Sidurgu was listening even if he remained quiet. “My mother used to bring me up here as a child whenever we would visit the city. We’d always end our trip by watching the sunset over the docks and the sea. they’re some of my favorite memories…”

Sidurgu looked at her this time, noticing the slight hint of sadness in her tone. The miqo’te gave a small and quick smirk, noticing the change in Sidurgu’s demeanor. “I thought you might like to see it.”

“It’s...nice.” Caught off guard at the change from their earlier conversation, Sidurgu failed to find the right words to use. 

Aunyx continued.

“When I became a Warrior of Light, I often found places in the city to hide away from others. In Limsa, this was my escape. I’d come up here when I couldn’t sleep, and watch the stars move across the sky. It was calming- nobody to tell me what to do, or where to go. Nobody to fight. No politics. It became my safe place. I haven’t come here in years, not ever since everything became so...complicated. It’s strange, really...it feels exactly the same, as it did all those years ago. Like I am still that young and reckless lancer without a care in the world. Nobody to save, nobody to mourn over.”

This time Sidurgu turned his head completely to face the Miqo’te, her gaze still avoiding his as she tightened her fingers around the edge of the balcony. Her eyes faced the horizon, the tiredness in them competing with the dolefulness that threatened to pour from her. He slid closer to her, letting his shoulder brush against hers. He said nothing, what could he say?

“All these years have passed, and every year it gets more and more complicated.”

“It would seem that way, when you dwell in two timelines.” Sidurgu plainly spoke. “The view though, it’s...it reminds me of a place Fray showed me when we were younger. It was a high vantage point, above the Brume. We could see over the walls and onto the Coerthas Plains. Fray said he liked it to keep an eye on Temple Knights, but I think he liked seeing a world beyond Foundation. He never got to travel very far out of the highlands.”

The two sat in a short silence, before Aunyx spoke again.

“Do you ever miss him?”

The words had barely left her lips before she realized how stupid of a question it was to ask. regardless, the burden had lingered in her mind, and it felt good to finally utter those words that had gnawed at her conscious. The two had avoided any discussion of Fray since the encounter with Myste out in the sandy dunes of Ala Mhigo, a now distant memory considering the events that followed after. 

The question stung a lot harder than Sidurgu would have expected. It felt as if the wound was cut anew, tearing open without even uttering his name. It didn’t need to be said. 

“I…” He stammered, a puzzled expression growing across his scaled face.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. It’s just.” the miqo’te couldn’t find the words, despite the question weighing so heavily on her mind, even throughout her travels on the First. Every person she encountered, every person she couldn’t save. The torment as she looked on to those who would lay down their body to see the Scion’s goal succeed. “It’s something that bothers me. Not...Fray, specifically. Loss. The weight of it. How can anyone carry so much of it, and keep on moving forward, I wonder. How do people move away from it, accept it.”

“They don’t.” Sidurgu started, trying to choose his words carefully. It wasn’t that he didn’t wonder the same thing, in truth it weighed just as heavily on his mind, throughout the struggles he had endured. The grief from losing his family, then Ompagne. Then Fray. The feeling of security, only for it to be ripped away. Every. Single. Time. 

“I don’t think anyone ever moves on, completely anyways. To do so would be to forget their memory, their legacy. That seems far worse than learning to live with the pain left behind. Fray, granted he lived chaotically, lived his life the way he wanted to. Death comes for us all, eventually. Some sooner than others.”

“Is that how you really feel, or is that what you try and tell yourself to justify it.” Aunyx refuted, a dry chuckle erupting from her throat. 

“I learned to live alongside it then to let it consume me. If I didn’t, I don’t think I would like the person I would be. Destroying yourself seems like a piss poor way to remember the ones we’ve lost.” 

Aunyx gave a ‘hmph’. Before going silent. 

Perhaps a different approach, he thought. 

“Losing people is hard enough, but losing someone you love can drive someone to do...thoughtless, reckless things.” Sidurgu continued. “I thought by killing Temple Knights, that I would find peace. Peace for my parents. Peace for Fray. It brought me none of that, only anger. I was so blinded by my hate, to fill the void that I was left with. It took those damn furry little shites and Rielle for me to see what I was doing to myself.”

“I remember.” She broke her silence, remembering the trip to Moghome when Rielle had disappeared, feared kidnapped by the moogles. Sidurgu paused for a moment, remembering, albeit not as fondly as Aunyx, the same memory. However uncomfortable, however much he hated moogles, he had much to thank them for.

“To answer your question, yes. I miss him. Fury, I miss all the stupid shit he would do, the things he would say. The way he would tell me to get my shit together when we were sparring. I miss him tending to my wounds, tightening the bandages too tight, and telling me to suck it up. Every single little thing he did that I abhorred when he was still alive, I miss. I would give anything to bring him back. But I can’t. He’s gone, and I have to accept that.”

“I wish I could have gotten to know the real Fray. Not the one that lives inside my Soul Crystal.” She knew that the manifestation that had haunted her in her early days as a Dark Knight were only snippets of the real Fray, twisted by her own feelings and fears. When Sidurgu did speak of Fray, which was not often she had found, it had always been of admiration and mostly importantly, love. He never outright said it, but the way Sidurgu’s voice faltered, even for a moment, when speaking of the departed knight; it told her everything she needed to know. The next question fell from her mouth without thought.

“What then, when one of us dies?”

“It better be me first, i’ve already dealt with enough shit in my life.” Sidurgu smirked, pushing closer to Aunyx. He could feel the warmth of her body through the side openings on his cuirass, a calming touch that he had grown to miss in her absences. “Besides, I don’t know how in the hell the world would manage to keep on without you. It seems everyone has forgotten how to function without a Warrior of Light solving all it’s problems.”

“I’d rather not be around to find out.” Aunyx’s voice softened as the space between them lessened. Outright public displays of affection were not something she would ever expect from him- she found that small gestures and fleeting moments of touch were about as far as he would go when away from the safety of the apartment in Ishgard. It was enough though.

“You just have to promise me you’re not going to die on some god forsaken star eons away from here.” His voice had returned to normal, though a hint of sarcasm laced his remark. She was about to reply when suddenly-

The sky erupted into a flash of colors, the fireworks set ablaze as the festivities drew to an end, an applause and vibrant display of sparks disrupting the silence that they had thoroughly been enjoying. Heavensturn had come and gone, in its place a new year.  
The two separated, the fleeting moment gone as they realized their time was up. Rielle had to have wondered where they two had gone, though she had grown accustomed to the two wandering off. Sidurgu’s hand went behind his neck, rubbing it as he turned back towards the way they had originally came.

“We better find Rielle, god knows what she’s been up to or what all she’s bought in our absence. She better remember that she has to pack whatever she buys, I'm not going to be her damn chocobo lacky again.” 

He had already begun his march back towards the Aethernet, his sword reflecting the lingering flashes of fireworks as they fell from the sky. Aunyx paused for a moment, before exhaling a breath that she felt as if she had been holding for ages. 

“Happy Heavensturn to you too, Sid.”


End file.
